how i knit to stay sane

June 7, 2013

Hi Again!

Filed under: Duke,family,Healthy Living,seizures,Tumor — K @ 10:37 pm
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I wrote the post below without realizing what an abrupt exit I made from my blog 3 years ago.  This whole long post that I feel the need to share with you (assuming anyone of my old reading still check in….) is predicated on what in the interim.  When I was 26 weeks preggers, early December ’10, I had an “episode”.  I could only describe it as “I would expect a seizure to be, except it was only on one side of my body.  It turns out that, as not everybody knows, not all seizures are the fall-on-floor jerking.  As opposed that, a grande mal seizure, I had a petite mal seizure, which can affect only one side or part of your body, or even manifest in barely noticeable tics.  Long story short, I was diagnosed with a tennis ball sized brain tumor. (If you are morbidly interested, and heck, I would be!, I started another blog to post in at first when I processing my feelings.  The address is meandmytumor.wordpress.com).   The rest of this post is to catch you up, and let you that I’m getting back into knitting, and I have a goal to do more writing and sharing here. 

I know, I know, it’s been a long time. Before I bore you with my own life, though, i have a friend who was just diagnosed with a brain tumor — Katie, a 30 year old mother with three young children. I’d like to requests prayers and positive thoughts for this young family. I know first hand how comforting they are.

As for me, a lot’s been going on, and I haven’t felt like writing here much. No worries, though — I’ve several visits at Duke, and Dr. Desjardin always gives me my version of the best news possible — no growth.

I’ve been in a funk for a while. Since, like, the last time I wrote. I don’t term it depression — it definitely wasn’t clinical, and I feel like my little blue period was more a pity party, rather than a true depression. I did what had to do, as far as chores, child care, etc., but I really didn’t go out of my way to do anything extra — I am supremely lucky to have a husband who is self-employed and can be home when I need him, and a nanny, Meagan (she’s a new addition to the family, because I can’t be alone with the kids, or for transportation. And we love her!)

Anyway, I realized during a convo with my mom (meaning, she pointed out to me, sternly, but we’re gonna gloss over that, mmkay?) that I was sort waiting to die. And not in a good “Bucket List” “Last Holiday” kinda way. And as I became more detached mentally, I got more detached physically and emotionally as well. I mean, if you asked me if I loved my kids, a resounding yes! But I was content to watch them play. Well, I still am, but now I’m a lot more likely to teach them a new game, or get down on the floor to play with them. I watch a lot less tv, and I do, I’m doing something else — I used to knit CONSTANTLY! After the seizures started, it was really hard. I had to retrain my right hand. And if a seizure struck at precisely the wrong time, I would lose several stitches, get frustrated, and throw the needles aside and cry.

Around 4 months ago, Mom and I had this little ass-kicking convo, and I decided that she was right, I had been living like I had a death sentence, and was closing into myself instead of sharing what was left of my life with my most important people, with love and exuberance. I decided to start taking better care of myself physically, and have been following a healthy diet, and working out with a personal trainer, Daniel (If you’re local, I can hook you up! Brandon and I both really like him.)

I’ve lost some weight, gained some muscle, dropped a clothing size, can wear swimsuits I never thought I would again. I chase my kids, climb with them at the park, take long walks on the beach with my hubby (in the Bahamas, no less!), and gotten involved with my knitting again — not just doing the stitches, but really loving the deciding on a pattern, finding the yarn, knitting half the project, discovering that none of it’s right…. I don’t know, but I’ve always loved that! I’ve stopped living like I was dying, and started living — really LIVING!

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